Friday, June 19, 2009

Year One - Paper

Yesterday was our one year slash seven year anniversary. One year as a married couple and 7 years as a couple couple. I have to qualify that because some people may think, "Wow. One year anniversary and already 2 kids? You guys move fast!" No, the babies were 5 years in the making. And they really were early. So us finally tying the knot was not because there was already buns in the oven.

Before I left for work yesterday morning, I told my husband not to buy me anything. For one, I don't want him to spend money now that he is out of work. And secondly, I wasn't planning on getting him anything. We were going to go to dinner and I was paying so that was my gift to him in a way.

I am the most unromantic, low maintenance person my husband has ever had to deal with. I don't ask for material things. I am pretty independent and if I want something, I will get it for myself. I don't expect flowers or gifts when birthdays and holidays come around.

When asked what I want, I usually respond with intangibles. For Christmas, I asked him to get a physical. Seriously. He's over forty so turn your head and cough already. I have recently put more pressure on him to go to the doctor, dentist and eye doctor now that he has time.

The problem we have as a couple is that we are complete opposites and it makes our relationship harder to deal with. Another problem is we don't know each other's love language. Rod feels buying things for people is an act of love. He thinks buying things just for the sake of buying and presenting a gift shows love. And when buying a gift, you don't get them what they want. I don't get that at all and I did not grow up that way. My family was not affluent but we made do and got by. I don't know what it is like to have the money to just buy things to give people. When I do give gifts, they are more practical and can be used for the long run. So if I buy Rod a gift, more than likely it is as much for us or the household as it is for him.

My language is more acts of service. I want things done around the house. I want him to take better care of himself so he can be around longer. I want a husband who doesn't argue with me when I talk about saving money or spending more wisely. I can almost be words of affirmation because I would love to hear "Thank you for loving me enough to nag me about going to the doctor. Thank you for caring about my financial future and getting me to save. And thank you for loving our kids so much and for being a wonderful mother." That would have made my day.

So what was supposed to be a nice evening going to dinner ended up with me pissed and Rod's feelings hurt. I came home after a long day and find a vase of flowers on the table. I went to him and reminded him that I did not want anything. I was angry. Angry because he went against my wishes and angry because after seven years, he still does not know ME. He does not HEAR me.

If I tell my husband not to buy me anything, I am not being coy, I really mean, don't buy me anything. Especially flowers and especially when unemployment is involved. We cannot even put out flowers because my fat cat will eat them. Eat them to the stem. We spent dinner going over the problems that we seem to be having of late. Do you know how hard it is to have a fight in public and make it look like you are in love? Near impossible. I hope I have gotten through to him. I don't want to be a horrible, mean wife but I certainly cannot be angry all the time because I am not heard.

Maybe for our 2nd anniversary, I should look into this gift.


letti said...

I know how frustrating it can get when what you would like for your husband to do/get is not what HE wants to do/get for you. I have forbidden David to get me jewellery of any sort ( i don't wear any ), and I do think flowers are quite a waste of money ( although, when he surprises me with them, I am quite pleased for some reason ), but I have learned that this is one of the ways he wants to shower me with love ( within financial reason )and I shouldn't stifle him too much and will probably say "okay, get me a danged pendant already" after he has asked like 15 times. LOL :)

Christina said...

scares me to hear that we are rather similar. However, I would have gushed for the flowers and WOULD NOT have mentioned ANYTHING at dinnertime since it should have been reserved for good times and then go home and hash over the ugly. anyway happy anniversary, enjoy that your husband buys you gifts or wants to. I still to this day have not met a guy like that.

Christina said...

Just looked up the different languages of love. Should I just give up now seeing as how I want my future lover to be fluent in all 5 languages?