Heritage and Legacy

Last night, my mom texted that my grandfather passed away. It took me by surprise and it has been a struggle with my emotions since.

This has hit me so hard. Not because I was very close to my Ong ngoai. His passing opened the floodgates to all my sorrow and sadness that I have been pushing down every time it tried to surface. It is making me reflect more on how I should be living. I am incredibly sad for my family. My mom, my aunts, my cousins who were close to him and had a relationship with him. Who were able to communicate with him and hold real conversations with him.

You see, I am a terrible Asian. I joke about this and my non Asian friends think it is funny. It really IS funny on any other day. Any day but the day after I find out about my grandfather.
I am a terrible Asian because I never embraced by heritage nor did I want to learn more about my family and where I came from. Actually, the want was there to learn about my family but what I lacked was the desire to push past my insecurities and the language barrier to find out my family's story.

My parents and I along with an aunt came to the US when I was two. We spoke Vietnamese and English in our home but my upbringing was pretty Americanized. My mom brought over her family many years ago and although we would have family gatherings, I always felt like an outsider. I understood maybe half of the conversations that would fly through the house. My Vietnamese was not bad when I lived with my parents but after I ventured out on my own, I slowly lost those skills. It didn't help that I had no close Vietnamese friends to converse with. At family gatherings, I would rely more and more on my mom to be my translator.

The last time I saw my grandfather was in January. His memory had been failing but he was lucid and he remembered me. He asked about my boys and we had light conversation, again with my mom as the go between. I am just glad I got to see him.

He was 95. From what I know, he has had a wonderful life, surrounded by people who love him and cared for him. But that's about the extent of what I know. I bet he had stories to tell about his childhood, his life, his work. But I don't know any of it and that plays a part in my sadness.

We no longer take the time to find out about the people around us. What are their thoughts, their feelings, their loves, their vices. We call people friends, family, soul mates, or BFFs but do we really truly know them? Know what is in their heart as well on on their mind?  Are we asking the right questions so that we can know them?

This seems like ramblings of a confused and sad soul but my point in all of this is take the time to know the people in your life that you say are important. Do this before it is too late to do anything about it. Are their people in your life that will be remembered after they leave? What is their legacy and will it be remembered, documented, and passed on so that others can know them? These people do not have to be famous or have done something Nobel Prize worthy. The people in your life, family, friends, loved ones, they are a part of your heritage and they are part of your story and their story deserves to be told and live on.

I wish I had taken the time to get to know him, to spend more time with him, talked to him more. Then I would have stories to tell my children and been able to pass down to them more than just the family nose. I love you Ông ngoại and so happy you are now at peace.

The Oil Ranch

I had bought a Savvy Source deal for half off a family 4 pack to The Oil Ranch. It's located in Hockley which is about an hour away from us but I figured it would be something we could do one weekend. I had no idea what was out there but it seemed like a good deal.

Because the coupon was going to expire soon, we decided to make the trip Saturday 3/19. Sam and Dean's cousin and Grandma met us out there. It was such a beautiful day. There was a nice, cool breeze and it wasn't too hot.

I had no idea how big this place was or how many things there was to do there.

So much open land for a two year old to run and run and run.


Bouncing around the bounce house. I wish I had a big enough yard for one of these.


Or one of these swings made from a tire. I wonder if that is BPA free?


Inspecting the baby goat


I think D is checking the baby goat for cavities.











Train ride


We had such a good time and will definitely go again.

Struedel and fried rice

That was our diet on Saturday. We had a busy day with a family photo session in the morning. We went home, got a change of clothes for the boys and drove to the Mercedes-Benz Oktoberfest event while the boys took a nap. Dean tried his first plate of sauerkraut and German sausage. Sam and I stuck with the pretzels, sausage and potatoes. We got our picture taken, looked at some cars that we will never afford, danced to some polka, looked at fish in the fish tank, then grabbed some pumpkins and left.





We went home for a nap. By "we" I mean Rod and Dean and Sam got a nap. Mama never gets a nap. I had to get ready for my cousin's wedding later that night. It was a traditional Vietnamese wedding which means lots of pomp and circumstance, lots of picture taking, lots of changes in clothing (for the bride) and lots of food spread over lots of time. It think there were 10 courses, we left after the 8th one. The food was good but the boys were cranky so we left before cake was served. Dean and Sam were actually good for the 3.5 hours we were there. This is all the food we took home because no one else at the table wanted it.





At one point Sam was bored and decided to make his own grape kabob.



It was an exhausting day and we were all so tired, we slept in til 7:30 am on Sunday!

48 hours

That is how long the boys have been gone. Rod whisked them away Saturday to spend the day with their grandmother. Partly to let me have some time to myself to get stuff done but mostly to regain my sanity.

I won't lie. I am stressed. Between the demands of work and home, it has gotten pretty hairy trying to find that elusive work/life balance I keep hearing about. I am so thankful that Rod finally found a job. After having been unemployed for over a year, his unemployment benefits were coming to an end. During that time, it was a constant struggle with bills. Unfortunately, a dwindling savings account is the byproduct of that. We finished with another sale to get rid of some kids stuff but we still have a lot left over. We need to do another garage sale but it is exhausting getting crap ready, trying to get people to buy the crap and then packing the crap away to do all over again at a later date. Crap has to be more valuable and more desirable after sitting in the garage and attic collecting dust, right? RIGHT?

I am also stressed about Dean and Sam's health. The boys have been sick with one thing after another. The ear infections, upper respiratory infections, hand, foot, mouth virus, pink eye, croup and allergies have kept all of us up too many nights to count. It seems my weak immune system can no longer handle allergies and sinus drainage. What once was an ailment I quickly recovered from after taking Benadryl and vitamins, is now a a serious nuisance. Every time my allergies flare up, I get such a bad sore throat that I lose my voice or become hoarse for weeks. I am still suffering from the most recent flare up. I am coughing so hard, I feel like my lungs are going to shoot right through my ribs. When I breathe, I wheeze and my chest rattles. I really need to see a doctor to make sure there is no serious infection in my lungs. Am I supposed to fall apart this early?

Work has been so busy for me. I am attending more meetings which takes me away from the office so I can't get anything done when I am out. I don't mind meetings but I hate going to them when I am feeling under the weather. Then I have to explain my hoarseness and my coughing so that people don't think I am infectious. When I get back to the office, I am always rushing around to get things done before I have to leave to get the kids.

That is my day, wake up, get them dressed and out the door, get them into the daycare, fight traffic for an hour to get to, work, work, work, fight traffic to get to the daycare, get them into the car (with a little bribery from sugary fruit snacks that will rot their teeth), start dinner, distract them with TV that will rot their brain so I can finish dinner, feed them while simultaneously shoving food in my mouth while standing at the kitchen counter, clear dishes, play with them, read to them, get them into the bathtub, speed clean them, get them out of the tub, fight with them to get lotion on every inch of their body, fight with them to brush their teeth so that they won't rot and fall out, get them into bed, get them to stay in bed, wake up after having fallen asleep trying to keep them in bed, sneak out of the bedroom to get ready for bed and lastly, falling face first into bed.

So other than all the above, I have it pretty easy, no?

Tang

It was a sad weekend for us. Happy and sad. We said goodbye to Tang, our au pair who has lived with us since the boys were 4 months old. After searching for potential child care for the boys last year, I decided to go the au pair route. It was a last minute decision so we had to find a match very quickly.

Tang was the first au pair I was sent as a match. She is from Thailand and the agency said her English was a 6 on scale of 10. Her English was so hard to understand that I passed on her. I was given 2 other au pairs and neither one appealed to me. I remember telling my husband that I had a very good feeling about Tang and that we should go with her.

The process went quickly and before we knew it, we were preparing our house to welcome a stranger. A stranger who would care for our boys. We were nervous because we didn't know what to expect. And nervous because we were entrusting our children to a total stranger.

I picked Tang up from the airport and she looked nervous and unsure. And she kept bowing to me in greeting. We got her settled in and went over things with her and the local area coordinator. Believe it or not, the first day I left her by herself with the boys, I didn't worry too much. We spent the day before going on their feeding and nap times. It did not take long for her to get a routine down. As the boys got older, it became apparent that she knew their schedules better than I did. She was like a baby whisperer. Sometimes it was aggravating how she would tell me how to take care of them but I guess that was to be expected. The kids saw her more than they saw me in a typical day. Rod would say that the hierarchy was me, Tang and then Rod. It was true. If I wasn't here, they seemed to gravitate towards Tang.

In the beginning, she would work her hours for the day and then go to her room for the night and we would not see her until she started the next morning. As time went on, she would hang around with us as we played with the kids and got them ready for bed. She truly became a part of this family. It was almost like having a teenage daughter.

She was always willing to help out with the boys. She was especially helpful when my FIL passed away and we went to visit family. She took care of the boys.

It's hard to imagine what it was like for her to come to live with strangers. Not knowing if the host family was decent or if they were crazy and demanding. I think we were laid back and easy going when it came to her living here. She got lots of weekends where she could go out and visit friends. It's also understandable that she would get attached to her charges. The boys have grown so much in the last year, it makes sense that she would grow to love them. And you could tell she loved these boys. If we had visitors who wanted to play with Sam and Dean, she would hand around to make sure they were ok. She would even hang around to make sure Rod and I were ok with the boys whenever were took care of them without the other spouse around. Maybe she thought we couldn't handle babysitting our own kids.

When her year was coming to an end, we debated keeping her on for another year. I decided that it would be best for the boys to start day care. They would be at that age where their language would be quickly developing and I was wanting a more structured environment for them. Of course I weighed the cost and the pros and cons. They would be exposed to more illnesses. It would be more out of pocket for 2 kids in daycare. In the end, we decided to let Tang go.

We had a surprise going away party for her on Saturday. Her au pair friends came to celebrate. They cooked Thai food and cleaned up. It was a fun day. She got to say goodbye to her friends. She wanted to keep the boys for her last night and she ended up with Sam. In the morning, she visited with the boys while waiting to leave for the airport. She started crying when she held Sam. I started crying. It was not pretty. That is the first time I ever saw that kind of emotion from her. Of course, the boys had no idea what was going on, they went about their playing.

She wrote the sweetest thank you card to us. She thanked us for everything and said how lucky she was that we were her host family. She wanted to visit when she got some vacation and have the boys say her name. Saying goodbye is so hard. You never know what will happen and if you will ever see that person again. We would love for her to come visit if she got the chance. She has another year with her new host family before she goes back home to Thailand. If she came to visit, I am sure it would not take long for Sam and Dean to remember Tang.

We will miss you Tang. The boys will miss you especially.



Rod will miss Tang washing the dishes every night.

Time heals

May was such a busy month. In actuality, April and May seem to be a blur. At the end of April, we made a trip to East Texas for my Father-in-law's funeral. This was the first real car trip for the boys. It was about a 3 hour drive and we packed the car and the kids along with Tang and made our way to Percilla.

The boys got to meet their dad's family. I still feel sad that it took a family loss for us to introduce them. Everyone was so excited to see Dean and Sam and they were actually well behaved. As well behaved as curious 14 month old boys with tons of energy could possibly be in new surroundings with lots of stuff to explore. We stayed in his aunt's cabin which was really nice. There is a wall of bunk beds and the boys immediately jumped on their chosen beds as soon as we walked in. They had such a blast in that cabin. The vents in the floor were a source of entertainment too.

The boys did not attend the service. They are so young and it would have been too difficult to keep them quiet. The memorial service was so beautiful. My FIL was very loved by many and it was apparent by the people who came to pay their respects. I still cry when I look at the Father's day picture we took of him last year holding the boys.

We love you PawPaw

If my boys could talk, this is what they would say to their grandfather. He passed away early this morning and we are still trying to wrap our heads around this. My husband's family is so strong and caring. Anyone would count themselves lucky to have such a wonderful family. And I am blessed to have known him. I have only been part of Rod's family for such a short time but my Father-in-law has always made me feel loved and welcome.

I am so sad. I am sad because he did not have a chance to really get to know Dean & Sam . He never got to play with them, never got to throw them around the room or tickle them or play peek-a-boo. He never got to see that Dean is such a happy go lucky boy and that Sam is a daredevil. Maybe that is selfish on my part and I shouldn't think like that. He would have been an awesome PawPaw. I do know that he got a chance to love them and that is the most important thing. And when Dean and Sam are old enough to understand, they will definitley know it. We will make sure of it.

Rest in Peace. We love you PawPaw.

Tiptoe Through the Bluebonnets

Bluebonnets were late to bloom this year and they were not as full. We took the boys to Chappel Hill which is NW of Houston. Apparently it is the place to get bluebonnet pictures. Another mom of twins is a photographer and she was doing mini photo sessions. While we waited, we took some amateur photos. It was overcast and the weather was nice with a little breeze.

Dean and Sam love being outside. I think because we have them stuck inside all the time, they go crazy when they get to venture outdoors. They saw flowers and bluebonnets and dirt and were beside themselves. I think the photos were pretty good but I do wish I could get them both to take a smiling picture in the same photo.

Japanese Festival

We went to the Japanese Festival Sunday. I never would have associated this type of festival with Anime fans but I have never seen so many Anime characters outside of a comic book convention. It was held at Hermann Park and it was a nice day but verging on hot. There were so many people and that made it even hotter.

Enjoying a fruit/veggie snack while waiting for dad to park the car 5 blocks away.


Wading in the "pool"


"Where are my feet??"




Dean does not like to be tied down in a stroller


Or in a car seat


We had a good time. And I learned a lesson today. A snow cone may be a treat for the kiddos but it is certainly no treat for mommy and daddy who have to deal with the consequences of a cherry snow cone.

Unexpected

I got a call today from the clinic that was keeping our remaining embryos. They shipped them off to the agency where we will be donating them for adoption.

I started the process months ago and I was just waiting for the agency to pick them up. It was a tough decision when we made it and every once in a while I think about it. I contemplated changing my mind and keeping them "just in case" we wanted more children down the road. Hubby is done. I on the other hand could do with another set of twins. That is the emotional, motherly side of my brain wishing that. The practical side of my brain says we simply cannot handle any more kids financially.

When I got that call, a wave of sadness washed over me. It made it so final. These are no longer my "babies." Whatever becomes of them, I have no say so.

While I was putting Sam to bed tonight, I kissed him just a little more than usual, hugged him just a little tighter. Lord, I love those kids. But I know I made the right decision. There are so many couples trying to have a family of their own and this is a little bit of hope we can give to them. Knowing that we could help a couple complete their family helps reaffirm my choice. But I can still be a little sad tonight.

Pumpkin Patch

We took the boys to the pumpkin patch at St. Peter's Church this weekend. A cold front had blown through along with a ton of rain and it was a bit nippy Saturday morning. I wish I had some argyle outfits for Dean and Sam because Rod, Tang and I were all wearing argyle.

Their shirt has a tree house and a sign with No Girls Allowed. I saw it at Target for $3 and thought it would be a cute fall outfit.

We sat them on a bench and they did very well although there were a couple times Dean wanted to tip over and face plant in the grass. Speaking of grass, the boys were so engrossed in the grass when we sat them down that they would not look at the camera. I need to get costume pictures posted too. Maybe we will try again with their costumes.



Tang and the boys


Momma's boys


Their expressions are the funniest

Beachy keen

Life’s a Beach

We went to Galveston last weekend and it was HOT! This was the boy’s first minibreak holiday and they enjoyed the attention of his grandma, pawpaw, cousin Maggie and Aunt Rhonda and Uncle Ray.

Rod’s parents let us have the master bedroom while we were there and it was a blessing. It was big enough to accommodate the pack and play and all the stuff we had to pack. I had made a packing list just for the boys and asked Tang to get started on packing Friday. I came home from work and could not believe how much crap we had to take. The obvious being a ton of diapers and wipes and clothing but also, their play mat, bouncer, portable swing, pack-n-play boppies, bottles, warmer, beach tent, sunblock, sunglasses, hats, lotion, saline nose spray and bulbs, Baby Einstein world music DVD, toys and Bumbo. With all that, we still forgot to bring the bottle rack and bath mat chair to wash the beach off of them.

My little Jeep was filled to the top and Rod put the rest on the back of his truck. Times like this, I wish we had a big 'ole RV or at least a suburban to tote all the stuff and people in one vehicle.


Rod and Sean played games while Tang and I watched the boys. I don't get to spend much time with them during the week so I try to soak it all in on the weekends. Tang was off work but she seems to love taking care of them. And Rod's not one to complain.

I bought a beach tent/cabana type thing at Target.com and the set up was super easy. I liked sitting in it for about 10 minutes and then it started getting hot. It was almost like sitting in a sauna after awhile. It could just be that I was getting uncomfortable in the heat. I don't see us getting much use out of it but the kids might end up playing with it when they are older.





When Tang and I got home, we fed the boys and tried to get them down for another nap. They would not have it and I think they had been so wound up with excitement the whole weekend. By the time I finally tried to get them to sleep, they were both crying so bad that they were inconsolable. Dean couldn't even take his bottle because he was so stopped up from crying that he could not breathe. I need to find some solution to their lack of quality naps. Their naps ranged from 10-30 minutes so I know they did not get enough rest.

Even though it was a fun weekend for the majority, I don't see us going away for weekends like that until Dean and Sam are older. Between getting ready for the trip and lack of sleep for the babies, it was just too much work. It was nice to get away for awhile. But I suffered from internet withdrawal and needed to get back to entering giveaways.

Year One - Paper

Yesterday was our one year slash seven year anniversary. One year as a married couple and 7 years as a couple couple. I have to qualify that because some people may think, "Wow. One year anniversary and already 2 kids? You guys move fast!" No, the babies were 5 years in the making. And they really were early. So us finally tying the knot was not because there was already buns in the oven.

Before I left for work yesterday morning, I told my husband not to buy me anything. For one, I don't want him to spend money now that he is out of work. And secondly, I wasn't planning on getting him anything. We were going to go to dinner and I was paying so that was my gift to him in a way.

I am the most unromantic, low maintenance person my husband has ever had to deal with. I don't ask for material things. I am pretty independent and if I want something, I will get it for myself. I don't expect flowers or gifts when birthdays and holidays come around.

When asked what I want, I usually respond with intangibles. For Christmas, I asked him to get a physical. Seriously. He's over forty so turn your head and cough already. I have recently put more pressure on him to go to the doctor, dentist and eye doctor now that he has time.

The problem we have as a couple is that we are complete opposites and it makes our relationship harder to deal with. Another problem is we don't know each other's love language. Rod feels buying things for people is an act of love. He thinks buying things just for the sake of buying and presenting a gift shows love. And when buying a gift, you don't get them what they want. I don't get that at all and I did not grow up that way. My family was not affluent but we made do and got by. I don't know what it is like to have the money to just buy things to give people. When I do give gifts, they are more practical and can be used for the long run. So if I buy Rod a gift, more than likely it is as much for us or the household as it is for him.

My language is more acts of service. I want things done around the house. I want him to take better care of himself so he can be around longer. I want a husband who doesn't argue with me when I talk about saving money or spending more wisely. I can almost be words of affirmation because I would love to hear "Thank you for loving me enough to nag me about going to the doctor. Thank you for caring about my financial future and getting me to save. And thank you for loving our kids so much and for being a wonderful mother." That would have made my day.

So what was supposed to be a nice evening going to dinner ended up with me pissed and Rod's feelings hurt. I came home after a long day and find a vase of flowers on the table. I went to him and reminded him that I did not want anything. I was angry. Angry because he went against my wishes and angry because after seven years, he still does not know ME. He does not HEAR me.

If I tell my husband not to buy me anything, I am not being coy, I really mean, don't buy me anything. Especially flowers and especially when unemployment is involved. We cannot even put out flowers because my fat cat will eat them. Eat them to the stem. We spent dinner going over the problems that we seem to be having of late. Do you know how hard it is to have a fight in public and make it look like you are in love? Near impossible. I hope I have gotten through to him. I don't want to be a horrible, mean wife but I certainly cannot be angry all the time because I am not heard.

Maybe for our 2nd anniversary, I should look into this gift.

Ba Ngoai and Lullabies

The boys miss their ba ngoai (maternal grandmother) who cared for them after I went back to work. She spent four weeks with them and got to know their personalities and sleep/eat patterns. Towards the end, she had it down.

I miss her a little too. My mom made Vietnamese food a couple of times a week and I would gladly stuff my face with it. I think Rod may have snuck in a meal one time but basically, it was off limits to him. When he would go near my mom's cooking, I would shoot him a "Go eat your American food" look. Hands off the rice mister.

One of the things mom did to help out was take Dean at night. Dean is much more predictable and so she didn't mind taking him. He would wake up and eat and go back to sleep. Sometimes, he would fuss because he was still hungry. Other than that, he was generally an easy baby. Not having Dean allowed us to sleep a little longer. Actually, it allowed me to sleep longer because Rod would feed Sam while I pumped and it added at least half an hour to my sleep time. half an hour may not sound like much but to me, it's like winning the lottery.

She also spoke to them in Vietnamese and sang them lullabies. Every time they stirred or got fussy, she would sing them this one particular song that I remember her singing to my sisters when they were babies. I tried to sing as much as I could remember of this Vietnamese lullaby and then my song morphed into The Lion Sleeps Tonight with me repeating Wimoweh over and over and over. The Vietnamese lullaby has something to do with elephants going back and forth? I tried to find it but all I could find was this.

The translation says for baby to sleep so I can wash an elephant's back. I'll wash whatever, elephant's back, lion's mane, buffalo's behind if only the boys would sleep through the night.