Return of the Queen

Blog, oh how I've missed you. I cannot believe it has been 23 months, 1 week and 3 days since I last posted. But really, who was counting?  I surely wasn't because that count is not accurate at all.

I started blogging sometime in the early or mid 2000's. It was a medium that fed my narcissism back then. I was going through relationship, work and life issues and it became therapeutic. It was about the time that my insurance ran out on my mental health care and I was tired of writing in my journal "Dear Diary, My life sucks. I suck. My insurance sucks. This diary sucks too. Sorry." The more I wrote, the more I discovered about myself. Like how much I enjoy talking about myself.

I'll never forget my first blog. It was called the Tao of Thao. I wrote about life, love and the pursuit of happiness. Then I got cocky and wrote about things that were happening at my job. I was confident no one read my posts, especially not my highly technical and left-brained peers. I was venting about an individual that I had to train who was not, in my opinion, qualified for his position. I thought I was being clever by not mentioning any names that might incriminate me and using aliases like "Baby Huey" to identify this person. I at least learned something from Dooce. But apparently not enough.

Baby Huey's wife "found" my blog and reported me to management. I got called in and reprimanded. Taking the cockiness a bit further, I told them I was not sorry I wrote it because that is how I truly felt. I was just sorry it was found. I would still have The Tao of Thao if not for that meddling wife of BH. I am not above remorse for hurting someone so I scarfed down my humble pie and apologized to BH. Strangely enough, we developed a good working relationship. I was not angry at BH but more at management and he was the fall guy. I ended up leaving that place but I never revived that blog although I think of it with fondness every now and again.

So much has happened in the last two years, I hope the writing bug keeps biting so that I can continue to document it all. My memory is already starting to fade.

Be all that you can be

I don't know about other folks but as I have gotten older, I go through life hoping I am making the best of it. I want to make good decisions, especially for my family. I want to be a good person, a loving wife and a nurturing mother. I have high standards and I think, a good moral compass. I hope that the people I meet, I have touched their lives in a positive way.

But the reality is, I am not the best person I can be. I have a terrible temper, a potty mouth and I get irritated by inconsiderate people. Truth is, I can't stand stupid people and since stupid is highly subjective, that could describe a great deal of people on a bad day. I yell at my kids because I have no patience with their childlike behavior. And yes, I realize they are toddlers and only acting as toddlers should act but you recall, I have high standards. I expect my children to sit quietly, eat what I put in front of them, play together without fighting and to follow my directions without back talk. Ok, maybe I am slightly delusional.

I want o be a good role model, not just to my kids but to all the people in my life. I want to help people any way that I can. There is a person in my life who reminds me of me when I was in my twenties. She's head strong, a hard worker, kind, loyal and driven. Beautiful and smart too, yes just like me. When I talk to her about her life, it is like a deja vu. Even her newly wed husband could be a younger version of Rod. She stresses about everything. She is pregnant and that adds to her stress about money and how she will be able to balance work and life.

At work, I put her in charge of a large project. At first she was unsure of herself but she came through. Whenever she had issues dealing with other employees, I would coach her on how to handle tough situations. She recently had another set back. She thinks her hormones and the increased stress of work and life are affecting her ability to handle situations calmly and with a level head. Again, I talked to her about how to handle tough situations. I like to keep work and personal life separate but somehow, she weaseled her way in. I think it is because I see so much of myself in her that I want to be a mentor for her. I was fortunate to have good people guide me in my work life and I wanted to pay it forward.

She came over to help with the boys this weekend. I was going to take Dean to the clinic for croup but decided against it. We ended up playing with the kids, taking a nap and having a late lunch. She talked to me about her family, the hardships her mom, her sisters and she herself faced. And these are some really hard core hardships. The kind of stuff that affects you physically, emotionally and mentally and stays with you the rest of your life. Such terrible hardships that if you do not have the strength to climb your way out of that pit of despair, you would be lost forever. Sadly, I related to one such horrible hardship and I told her how I got through it. I gave her my opinion, some advice and information on where to go to find help.

One thing about her, she is sincere in her gratitude and appreciation for the help I have given her. She even told me I should be a public speaker or a school counselor because I have so much knowledge and wisdom and am such a good speaker. As I reread that sentence, I sound as if I am bragging or blowing my own horn. But that is the gist of what she said to me. When she spoke those words, I looked at her incredulously, like she must me high on prenatal vitamins or fishing for a raise. But she was serious.

It made me think about how I got to this place. Do I have all the answers? Most definitely not. But I do have the benefit of almost 38 years of life experience, the good, the bad and the ugly. I have been in that pit and found the strength within to pull myself out. I have been amazed at my own perseverance.

I have been fortunate to have wonderful people in my life to help me become who I am. Everyone I come in contact with has left an impression, whether is has been good or bad, it has shaped me. So I thank you, friends, family and foe of my past , present and future, for helping me be all I can be.

On my sick bed

You know how some people are fun drunks? Well if I was a drinker, I would like to be a fun drunk. I know miserable, hateful, mean, nasty, cursing not so fun drunk who called family meetings at 2 in the morning. I would not want to be that type of drunk.

Just like I don't want to be a negative sickly person, dwelling on death and despair. Or rather despair and death. Once you kicked the bucket there really isn't much time for despair is there? That is where I find myself at 2 in the morning. My chest hurts. I still have a cough that sneaks up on me and I can't get comfortable because of the pain. I have no idea what is wrong with my chest. Well, other than the fact that almost 14 months of breastfeeding and pumping has left my boobs looking like floppy ears on a rabbit. I could go on American Idol and sing "Boobs on the ground" and I am sure I would be a YouTube sensation overnight.

But other than that fact, I have no idea why I have been having pains on the the left side of my chest. It hurts to breath, it really hurts to cough and when I sneeze, I think I am going to die. I have no idea how I got here. No injury I can think of, no exercising to strain that muscle. I have been dealing with a bad respiratory infection, sore throat and laryngitis but I took my antibiotics as instructed and regained my voice and (I thought) on the road to recovery. It has been a week and on Tuesday, the pain was getting so bad, I had to see the doctor. I went Thursday morning and said she thought it was the lining in my chest wall rubbing every time I breathe. They did an EKG and the doc did not think it was cardiac related. She ordered me a chest x-ray.

It is a matter of waiting for the results now. I hope it is nothing serious. But then I become negative sickly person and think about my bucket list.

create will - not checked
document all log ins and passwords for spouse to access - not checked
make a video for Dean and Sam to remember their mama - not checked
shave my legs and armpits - really not checked

See what I mean? What would Rod do? He wouldn't know how to go on Facebook and notify people that I croaked. I won't have anyone at my cremation party. And all the bills that I am responsible for, he would not know how to access the accounts online. And since I have not shaved, would Rod even know NOT to put me in a short skirt and sleeveless shirt? There's one more thing on my list now: tell Rod to check the blog for my funeral wishes.

I wish I was a fun drunk.

June Update

The compressor in our car went out today. Roda came home and I met him outside to bring the boys in. Their faces were red and they were very hot and sweaty. It is the only car that holds both car seats and now it is starting to fall apart. I hope Rod can get it fixed without it costing us the kids' college fund. Quite frankly that would be a problem because they don't even have one yet.

The boys are sick again. I am not sure if it is really sickness or allergies. Dean had gotten some high fevers a couple times last week so I took him to the pediatrician. The pedi said it was a viral upper respiratory infection. We needed to keep him upright, use saline nasal spray and squeegee his nose. That's about all we can do. There are no meds we can give him and he needs to get it out of his system. The boys have been so full of snot and it is too sticky for me to use the sucka-ma-jig so we have been using the bulb and it is a nightmare every time. It's a vicious cycle because they cry and it creates more snot.


I have been sick for the last couple of days. It is allergies and I hate when I get drainage because it makes my lymph nodes swell and my throat is so sore. I don't seem to recover from allergies or illnesses like I used to. On top of that, my voice is deep and raspy from the sore throat, I sound like a man.


I officially take my VP of Programs position in July and already I am almost done lining up programs for the next year. When I was nominated, I just started networking and reaching out to individuals to be speakers at our meetings. With all the programs we want to keep from last year and the ones I have lined up, I only have April 2011 to fill. I have other ideas that will keep me busy like a medical database and childcare database. I am really excited about this new role and getting together with other moms of multiples has given me such a great group of friends.